Falling Faster

I feel the need to write a blog. I’ve wanted to since my birthday, but I’ve never gotten around to it.

In some ways, I feel older. I mean, I’m twenty now–no longer a teenager. I want to feel “grown up” ya know? I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, to make my own decisions in life. But it’s so much more complicated than that sometimes.

I don’t have the money and finances to be completely independent and that frustrates me to no end. I’ve always wanted to be able to pay for my own things and not use up all my mom’s money. I feel guilty when I let her buy me things. And unfortunately, I cannot afford my rent without my parents’ help. I hate that like you wouldn’t believe. 1) I hate not being able to pay for it myself, but there’s no way without getting a second job… which is totally out of the question for a full-time college student. I can barely manage school and working as many hours as I do now. and 2) I want to be able to make my own decisions without worrying whether or not that will make my parents’ mad and make them quit helping me out financially.

Case in point: I am so over JMU that it’s almost a daily thought. All I ever think about it how I want to leave this shit hole of a school. People here are so stupid! I’m not joking. They have no morals, as a majority. All most students worry about is how to drink from Thurs-Sun. I swear more than half my school are alcoholics. I hate it! I rarely party. I don’t fit in. And not even that, but people are just plain mean. What happened to people being nice and helping out when others are in need?

Anyway, I just want to move to Frederick. I want to live near my friends and boyfriend. I am sick of not having any friends and sitting in my room 24/7 feeling depressed. I really honestly am not happy here. I am not happy at all! And my parents keep pushing me to stay at JMU next year. They keep giving me little lectures and I hate it because I do NOT want to stay here. It’s killing me and they don’t see it. I know going to a community college for a year is a step back. I get that, okay? But I also know that staying here while I’m constantly depressed is going to fuck up my GPA anyway, so who cares? No matter what I do, I’m taking a step back. I’m planning on going to a university in Maryland after I get in-state residency. So get off my case–I’ve thought it through!

P.S. That picture? Yeah, I didn’t take it …. but it’s the arboretum on my campus. I fucking love that place. It’s so beautiful! Except now when it’s cold and rainy.